Top Mistakes People Make During Divorce (and How to Avoid Them)
With nearly twenty-five years as a family law attorney here in Massachusetts, I can tell you this: divorce is one of the most emotionally charged and financially impactful events a person can experience. I have seen smart, capable people make mistakes that cost them dearly—not because they were not trying hard, but because divorce is a world most people walk into without a map.
The good news? Many of these pitfalls are completely avoidable. Here is a practical breakdown of the most common emotional, financial, and legal mistakes I see—and how you can avoid them.
1. Letting Emotions Drive Decisions
The Mistake:
It is natural to feel anger, guilt, sadness, or even betrayal during a divorce. This is especially difficult when a party feels - many times rightly - that their spouse betrayed them and are looking to the courts to “punish” that person. Letting these emotions dictate your legal strategy —fighting over petty items, refusing to compromise, or making decisions just to spite your spouse— can have devastating long-term consequences.
The Fix:
I once did a divorce for a man - we will call him “Larry” - who had various business interests, some valuable, some not. During his divorce, he was justifiably concerned about how the end of his marriage would impact his businesses and how much his spouse would value them. This was tied into a significant amount of marital debt.
The opposing attorney made an offer to settle the case that was both fair and reasonable, but was also not a gift. However, it saved a tremendous amount of time and consternation. One thing she said to me was that both parties had to treat this as a business decision, not a divorce decision. So, when I went back to Larry, I described it in those terms- a language he understood very well. The case settled because Larry saw this not as an emotional divorce, but as a business decision.
The number one way to avoid letting your emotions drive the divorce is to treat your divorce like a business negotiation. Emotions are real, but they do not belong at the negotiating table. I often recommend that my clients work with a therapist while I handle the legal side, to keep decisions clear-headed and future-focused.
Pro Tip: In Massachusetts, courts are guided by equitable (fair) distribution, not automatic 50/50 splits. Staying practical can actually help you achieve a better outcome.
2. Mishandling Financial Disclosures
The Mistake:
Failing to gather accurate financial records, hiding assets, or simply trusting your spouse’s word without verification is a recipe for disaster. In Massachusetts, full and honest financial disclosure is required by law.
The Fix:
Many clients come to me and find the gathering of financial information to be daunting and troubling. However, from the start, I work with clients to compile a complete financial picture: tax returns, pay stubs, retirement accounts, bank statements, property records, debt statements, and more. And your spouse will have to do the same under the rules of evidence. This way if your spouse is hiding away money we can look back three years (and in some cases more) to find the financial data we need to show any malfeasance. I always advise clients to complete a court approved financial statement as soon as they know they will be getting divorced. If you suspect your spouse may be hiding assets,
Pro Tip: In Massachusetts, parties are required to exchange a “Rule 401 Financial Statement.” Treat it seriously—errors or omissions can backfire badly in court.
3. Overlooking the Tax Implications
The Mistake:
Many clients believe that a “fair” division means splitting everything down the middle. But not all assets are created equal once taxes are factored in—especially retirement accounts and real estate.
The Fix:
Before you agree to a settlement, understand the after-tax value of every asset. Recently, I represented a man with a significant asset portfolio filled with multiple real properties and stocks. One of the major issues in the case was how to balance the real estate (wherein capital gains could be avoided) versus the stock portfolio (where it's virtually impossible to avoid capital gains). The major reason this case was easier to settle is because my office and my client were well versed in this reality and it makes appreciating this issue far easier on everyone. I often work alongside financial advisors to help clients see the full picture and avoid nasty tax surprises later.
Pro Tip: Dividing retirement accounts without a Qualified Domestic Relations Order (QDRO) can lead to massive penalties and taxes. We make sure it is done properly.
4. Prioritizing Revenge Over the Kids
The Mistake:
I have seen parents so consumed by anger that they lose sight of what is truly best for their children. Massachusetts courts place the best interests of the child above all else—and so should you. Many times, a party going through a divorce will project their feelings against their spouse onto their desire to wrest custody.
The Fix:
Divorce is usually accompanied by feelings of loss, sadness, confusion but almost always betrayal. Focus on building a co-parenting plan that supports stability, security, and love for your children. Before engaging in a battle for custody, each party should ask the following:
A. What was my role like with the children before the divorce? The more you did with the children prior to talk of divorce will strengthen your case for custody. Conversely, a desperate attempt to back-load your involvement only after the divorce started will likely not be seen as genuine by the Court,
B. Can I reasonably raise my child for the time I am requesting? This question is for parents who work outside the home and suddenly want the child for 50% of the time or more. If you work 60 or more hours a week, how realistic is it that you can dedicate time to your child, taking into consideration that five-year olds take more time day-to-day than a sixteen-year old?
C. How much does my spouse do for the child that I cannot easily replicate? Most parents believe that whatever their spouse can do, they can also do. And while this may be true, generally most parents divided tasks and did so for a reason. If you were not a detailed person who could balance the child’s calendar 3 years ago, and thus relied on your spouse to do so, how realistic is it to expect you to do it now?
Fighting for "full custody" to punish your ex will almost always backfire—and hurt your kids most of all. Instead, parties should make a frank determination of their own involvement with their children and balance it with their spouse’s involvement. Angling for sole custody without a good reason for doing so can lead to problems.
Pro Tip: Judges can see through tactics that aim to alienate one parent from the child. Co-parenting cooperation is looked upon favorably.
5. Rushing to Settle—or Dragging It Out
The Mistake:
Some people are so eager to “just get it over with” that they accept unfair settlements. Others are so bitter they fight every issue, dragging the process (and the legal bills) out unnecessarily.
The Fix:
Many different types of people get divorced. Two of them are “Victims” and “Criminals.” A “victim” is the person who, for whatever reason, is far more concerned with getting the process concluded than they are arguing for what is theirs; they are most interested in “keeping the peace” or “going-along-to-get-along.” These people need a firm understanding of their rights and their spouse’s obligations. By contrast a “criminal” is the person who wants to take whatever they can and is “willing to fight” for anything and everything. The problem with the “Criminal” is that fighting like this 1) gets extremely expensive and 2) leads third parties to question the “criminal’s” good faith. If somebody is fighting for things they have no right to, it makes third parties believe (often rightly) that s/he is greedy or dishonest. A skilled divorce attorney can help you pick your battles wisely. In my practice, I encourage clients to compromise where it makes sense and stand firm where it matters.
Pro Tip: Massachusetts courts often encourage mediation or conciliation to help parties resolve disputes without endless litigation. It’s worth considering.
Final Thoughts
Divorce is emotional, complex, and sometimes exhausting. But with the right mindset—and the right legal guidance—you can navigate it wisely and set yourself up for a strong, stable future.
After more than two decades practicing family law here in Massachusetts, my advice is simple: Stay informed. Stay calm. And always, always think two steps ahead.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)
Q: How long does divorce usually take in Massachusetts?
A: It depends. If both parties agree on all terms (an uncontested divorce), it could take as little as 3–6 months. A contested divorce, especially one involving complex assets or custody disputes, can take a year or longer.
Q: Do I need to prove fault (like adultery) to get a divorce?
A: No. Massachusetts allows for no-fault divorce, meaning you do not have to prove wrongdoing. You can simply cite an "irretrievable breakdown of the marriage."
Q: Can we both use the same divorce lawyer?
A: No. An attorney cannot ethically represent both sides in a divorce because of the inherent conflict of interest. However, you can work with a mediator (a neutral third party) if you want a collaborative approach.
Q: What happens to the house during divorce?
A: It depends on many factors: who contributed financially, who has primary custody of the children, and the overall division of assets. Sometimes the house is sold and the proceeds split; other times, one party buys out the other.
Q: Will the court automatically grant joint custody?
A: Not automatically. The court's focus is always on the best interests of the child, which sometimes leads to joint custody, and sometimes does not. A detailed parenting plan is crucial.
Q: How much does divorce cost?
A: Costs vary widely based on complexity and conflict level. A simple uncontested divorce may cost a few thousand dollars. A contested, litigated divorce can cost tens of thousands. Working efficiently with your attorney can help control costs.
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